This is my personal story. It is one of many stories about people struggling with mental illness, but most of these stories are not told.

In July 2023, I was almost finished with the first year of my PhD at Utrecht University. I had an amazing position supported by great supervision, was well-liked by my colleagues, and I was in a wonderful, supportive relationship.

Despite all these assets, I was feeling terrible. I was depressed and constantly anxious to ask for help and guidance. At that point, writing an email triggered a panic attack. The always-present tiredness kept me unproductive. There were days when I was not able to leave my house. I had physical symptoms that made me feel as if I was about to die.

By that time, I had been on a waiting list to receive psychotherapy for post-traumatic stress disorder for nine months. The disorder formed as a consequence of many painful events in my past. While I was in psychotherapy pretty much constantly since I was 15, only more than a decade later, one psychologist suspected my traumas to be the source of my ongoing complaints. That was after my symptoms had started to manifest physically and hugely intervened with my day-to-day life.

Then I received an email from the facility where I had been referred. As their contract with my health insurance provider had expired, they had no other option than to cross me off the waiting list.

At that moment, I crumbled. I went home and called in sick the morning after. Luckily, my GP helped me find another mental health provider pretty fast, so I was able to start my journey towards recovery. In the following months, the only words I kept hearing from work were, ‘Take all the time you need.’

I am writing these lines almost one year after calling in sick. Please do not neglect your mental health. We, PhD students, are in an incredibly vulnerable position. I realize how lucky and privileged I was to pursue my degree in the Netherlands, where I was entitled to sick leave, allowing me to take a career break and focus on my healing.

We all are under tremendous pressure to perform and fear that we have no future if we take a break. I do not want to belittle those with limited options to care for themselves. But often, there are options available you may not even know about. I first saw my sick leave as an elaborate way to say goodbye.

When searching for your PhD, please go with your gut feeling. Do not settle for anything. Choose an institution that gives you the feeling that they would support you and supervisors who would always place your well-being first. Chat with someone who already works there. And if you don’t hear what you need, you say goodbye. Only that can help establish better and healthier work conditions for us all in the long run.

Your future self will thank you.

All the best,

Edita

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If you want to know more about my experience with PTSD and social phobia or the events that made me develop these conditions in the first place, please drop me a line. Psychiatric conditions are still not given enough space in public discourse.

I am also open to general conversations about mental health and fair working conditions in academia.

Sadly, I can’t guarantee I will get back to everyone.